Jay

Hey there, my name is Jay, as you may have seen I had just started seeing Jesse a few weeks before he got his sero-conversion result, I asked Jesse if he would mind if I could share some thoughts from my perspective, in the hope that if anyone ever finds themselves in a similar situation they will know that not everyone will run a million miles from them just because they have been diagnosed as being HIV positive.

Jesse and I met online and chatted a few times before we actually caught up. Now for me the first time we met face to face it was an instant attraction and I wondered if I was ready to place trust in someone again and have a relationship, but as the following days passed I realised I was starting to have some feelings for him.

The first few weeks of a new relationship are always referred to as the honeymoon period and Jesse and I were certainly both feeling the euphoria of a new relationship, when as Jesse said the rollercoaster began.

I remember the day like it was yesterday also, I was out visiting some good friends when all of a sudden my phone rang, it was Jesse I could hear in his voice things were not ok and he told me how he had been asked to go back to the doctors surgery, being a little older than he, I am now 35, and having already lost one friend to HIV 10 years ago and having many friends today who are living with HIV I had a pretty good idea what was about to follow.

He asked me if I would be able to meet him at the doctor’s surgery, naturally without hesitation I said yes, grabbed my keys and said my goodbyes to my mates. Now they lived about 40 minutes away and all I remember about the drive over to meet him was driving like a lunatic beeping at people to get out of my way and managed to get to the doctors surgery in about 15mins and we went straight into the waiting room, I do not condone my driving that day and thankfully I made it in one piece and did not get a ticket.

It was a tense moment all I wanted to do was just hold him in my arms yet I couldn’t, don’t get me wrong I am comfortable in myself and my sexuality I am just not into full on public displays of affection, whether they be gay or straight, it’s just not me.

It wasn’t until we were in the doctor’s room that as the news broke I just reached over and held him as he started to cry, I was full of emotions at that moment, pain, anger, bemusement wondering why him, why now? Not once did the thought of Bugger how do I get myself out of this come to my mind, rather it was more how do I best support the man I am falling in love with.

I am not sure if it was the best time but as we stood in the car park I had made up in my mind that I would never let him be alone and said to him I want you to know I am falling in love with you, my brain went whoa dude you dropped the L word this quick into a relationship but my heart over ruled and I don’t regret it.

That was a long night, not too many words were spoken and I don’t think they needed to be, but I held him all night and didn’t want to let go, I wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool and protect him from the nasty cruel world that did this to him. Jesse is an amazing person, strong, independent, considerate, very caring and compassionate and I could have never asked for a better partner, unfortunately as the coming months passed my fears from a previous torrid abusive relationship were starting to shine through and I started to distance myself without even realising it until it was too late and the next thing I knew we were sitting in his lounge discussing our relationship, what we wanted, what we needed and because of the person he is I started to realise I couldn’t wrap him up in the cotton wool I wanted, he is a social person and is lucky to have many beautiful and supportive friends who also wanted and needed to be there for him also.

We broke up that day for several reasons, my main reason was because my previous relationship was an abusive one, I ended up in hospital on occasion and it was playing in my mind, not that I ever thought in a million years Jesse would or could hurt me that way, but I could feel a shift in his personality and I didn’t know how to handle that and I became scared, what if he wants to carry this anger will I be able to cope, will I in turn start to treat him the way my last partner treated me, what is becoming of us?

Jesse as he has explained had his own reasons also and we went our separate ways, but have always remained close since.

I still love Jesse I always will and I will be there for him every step of the way, standing back a little to allow him to grow as a person and find his feet as he comes to terms with the reality of being HIV positive, but never too far so if he ever falls I will be right there to catch him.

I want people to know that if you find yourself in a similar situation with a new partner, it doesn’t mean it’s the end, we certainly didn’t break up solely on the basis of him being positive and me being negative, but as I hoped to explain for many other reasons that all contributed to us being where we are today.

HIV can be a scary and isolating disease if you allow it, I have watched many friends deal with it, but it doesn’t have to be, yes some people will freak out as Jesse has mentioned but others will surprise you and be a pillar for you to lean on when the days you need some support and on the days you want to just have fun they will be there to let their hair down with you.

I am proud that Jesse has started this blog and I am truly honored that he has allowed me to put this into words, I haven’t said it to him but this has actually helped me, I haven’t stopped and thought about what has happened over the past year, nor have I taken the time to let him know some of the things I have said here so as much as it helps anyone who reads this, I also hope it helps Jesse know that I will always, no matter what the time of day, what the situation is, or wherever he may be in the world if he needs me I will be there.

Thank you for being who you are Jesse and for having loved me.

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