Posts Tagged ‘Family’

One year on…

Posted: July 4, 2010 by Jesse in AIDS, HIV
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At the time of starting this entry it was the one-year anniversary of getting my equivocal result and the rollercoaster ride began.

It was quite an interesting day.  I got through most of the day really well, and then, in the evening upon reflection started to feel pretty miserable about it all and kind of hit a wall.  I spoke with a few mates and they all offered incredibly strong words of support and it gave me the inspiration I have been looking for on what to write about in this entry… And that is going to be some words of thanks to a few people who have helped me on my journey thus far.


Jay and I started dating only a few weeks before this journey began.  I don’t know how I would have got through the first few months without his support.  I remember receiving the phone call from the doctors asking me to get in ASAP as there had been an error with my ‘all clear result’ given the week before.  I got straight on the phone to him whilst he was visiting a friend in Ipswich about 30-40 minutes away.  Amazingly (and probably very dangerously), he was there with me at the doctors in about 15 mins.

When the doctor gave me the news, Jay just held me whilst I cried and cried.  Given the short amount of time we had been together, I honestly thought that Jay would have wanted to get up and leave.  To this day, and always, I will be so thankful that Jay was there; I can’t imagine how difficult the situation would have been for him and yet he knew that all I really needed at that time was to be held.

And hold me he did.

Neither of us are the type to be all couple-y in public, yet he practically carried me to my car and sat with me for what must have been a half hour or so before going home to get some clothes and coming back to spend the night with me, where he continued to just hold me all night.  He was also with me the day I got the official HIV positive result and was again nothing but supportive and strong for me.

Due to Jay having recently done his sexual health tests and getting the all clear, and my getting an all-clear result the week prior to getting the phone call to come into the doctors Jay and I had made the decision to have unsafe sex during the course of that week. Yet upon me getting my result, he was totally focused on me, and my state of mind rather than being concerned for his own wellbeing.

Jay and I separated about 4 months later due to many reasons.  I remember it being a long day discussing our relationship – but ultimately he had his own issues he needed to resolve and I felt I needed the separation and time to deal with the HIV independently as well.  From that day to now, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that he will always hold a very special piece of my heart and he will always be on the list of my closest and dearest friends.  His standing by me through the early, and most difficult months is something that I will always love him for.  I just hope that Jay recognises what an amazing person he is and I know that I am a better person having met him, and having him touch my heart the way he has.  Thankfully Jay’s tests have come back all clear and he remains HIV negative.

Shona and Jennie

My crazy lesbian sisters!  Where would I be without that crazy pair! What a day it was when I told them of my situation.  Getting back from my meeting on the Gold Coast and taking them outside for a chat.  What a teary-eyed session that one turned out to be!  I am so thankful to have met this pair and feel a part of a family when I am so far from mine in Canberra – the support they have given me is out of this world – the way they listen and tolerate my ranting and raving is something I have never been able to do with my biological family and no actions or words will ever be enough to express my sincerest gratitude to this beautiful pair of girls.


Keir has always been like a big brother to me.  I know that if I ever need advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone that I know will listen without judgement – Keir is the man I turn to.  Keir and I have a very special relationship where no matter what the circumstance we have the others full support.  I know that no matter where I go in life, if I ever need help or advice, he has always and will always be there for me.


Kelly, Kelly Kelly… where do I begin?  If it weren’t for her knowledge and support Hope In Vastitude would still be nothing more than an idea stuck somewhere in the back of my head.  She picked at my brain, guided me and unleashed a whole new side of me.

Not long before my diagnosis Kelly had her own health problems.  Working with Kel made my diagnosis much easier to deal with in the workplace, as I had someone who could relate to my circumstance with the barrage of doctors appointments and tests etc.  I am happy to report that things with her health have improved and Kel is doing great!  She has recently gone through a dramatic change since starting her own blog, Clear Blue Window.  Seeing this kind of change in a person is on the same wavelength that I am hoping to achieve with Hope In Vastitude.  To be able to help people accept the person they are, and whatever their circumstances were or are and move forward with their lives.  Thank you for all of your help with this blog, but most importantly, thank you for being you.  Don’t ever change from where you are now for anyone, as I love you, just the way you are.


Andrew is my eldest brother.  Whilst we were close growing up, our relationship kind of ceased when I came out.  I guess he had to deal with it in his own way and I can now respect that.  When I made the trip down to Canberra to tell the family of my situation, we had made some progress with our relationship and I was probably more worried about telling him then the remainder of the family, because I was worried it would affect the progress we where making.  To my great surprise, upon returning to QLD I had the following email from him:

hi Jesse

hope you had a good trip back and are warmer

Your news came to a shock to us, we thought when you said you had news that it was good news.

i havnt stopped thinking about it, we had a look at your cd and it’s helped us understand whats happenning

we stand by your in your decision with pathology

and if your happy to let it be with the guy that you got it off , thats your call and i do understand in a way what your getting at

just thought id email you and let you know that we are a phone call away if you need anything at all or someone to talk to

we hope your patners results come back clear, let us know when you find out.


I know it seems like a simple email, but it truly meant the world to me.  Whilst we don’t speak often, I know that I have my older brother and his partner Dot there should I ever need anything, and for that I will be forever grateful.  If you have a look at the presentation on the handy tools page you will understand what he is referring to.  The other significant point is that of all my immediate family, to this day, Andrew and Dot are the only ones to have taken the time to look at the presentation.


My cousin is a truly amazing human being.  He is quite possibly the most compassionate human being I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  He is a heterosexual guy that is a member of CAAH in Sydney.  I have asked him to supply a brief overview of this organisation:

Community Action Against Homophobia (CAAH) is a community organisation started in Sydney over 10 years ago. CAAH is a grassroots campaigning group, started by activists who wanted to stand against the blatant discrimination faced by all members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-gender, Transsexual, and Intersex (LGBTI) community.  CAAH has been campaigning for many years now on discrimination they face in fields such as LGBTI health, discrimination in human rights, discrimination in immigration, in law, and in education.  These last 2 years CAAH has been concentrating on the battle for Marriage Equality for LGBTI couples, fighting for their legal and equal right to Marriage.  In these many battles CAAH is the group behind all the major Rally’s in Sydney over the last few years. They also have recently moved a lot of their campaigning online (, launching online petitions over things such as granting a gay Bangladeshi couple refugee status, and recently an open enquiry into veronica baxters death.

CAAH also works amongst and supports a wider network of groups based in Sydney, such as Organisation Intersex International (oii) and the Sydney Beat Project.  CAAH has also been involved in Sydney’s Mardi Gras for many years, as well as most other Sydney LGBTI festivals and events such as IDAHO (International day against homophobia).

Currently as mentioned earlier, CAAH is fighting for Marriage equality, and has declared 2010 the National Year of Action, for Marriage Equality.

To be a full time student who is also so actively fighting for homosexual rights, across a range of topics is something I am so proud of him for.  I am so proud of him being a part of this organisation.  Keep up the fantastic work Steaphan.

Aunty Hugi

My aunty is such an amazing woman.  Following my diagnosis she came across a publication in Sydney called talkabout. She managed to pick up a few copies and gave them to me when we were both in Canberra visiting family.  She has been there for me 100% through everything, including me coming out and now my journey with HIV.  She is such a strong woman who I am so incredibly proud of being related to.  Like me, she seems to always put others needs before her own and like me, this seems to have bitten her on the behind on more than one occasion.  Yet she always seems to bounce right back and keep going strong.  I think of her and am immediately filled with such pride.  You keep going strong Hugi, and know, that I have always got your back and am so incredibly proud of the person you are.

Gee Gee

My awesome little ginger kitty!  It probably seems totally random for me to be thanking a cat, however my boy can always detect when I am having a down moment and just cuddle up with his daddy or become part of my shadow to ensure that daddy is always safe.  To be able to just cuddle up with him and have a cry – unload to him without being judged and to love and be loved unconditionally is such a special thing.  Thank you my little one!

There is one more person that I would like to thank and also leave nameless.  This person has been a rock for me in so many ways.  He has helped me gain a greater insight on HIV and life as a HIV positive person.  His positive attitude towards it and life in general is a true inspiration and I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

I have sought the permission of those mentioned above to use their names and share with you the support they have given me, some of them have even requested to share their stories with you – stay tuned to Hope In Vastitude for their stories, as I feel it will be a great asset to this blog for you to see just how supportive those that are close to me have been in the hope that it will show you that those that truly love you, will continue to do so unconditionally.  There are many others that have been immensely supportive that I have chosen not to share for various reasons.  I could literally continue writing for days, however I feel I have met the purpose of what I am trying to get across.

I think about how different my life might be today if I never contracted HIV, and it really makes me wonder what I would be doing with myself.  My life really had no direction to it, I was just an average guy that hung out with mates, went to work and had no real passion about anything.  I look at my life now, and the direction I am now going.  Hope In Vastitude is really just the beginning of a whole new dimension to my story.  I have received referrals to various organisations and can see myself becoming an active member of the HIV positive community to raise awareness and educate on this topic.  My life now seems to have some kind of direction and I have developed a passion for something, which is a wonderful feeling, as I have never really experienced it before.

One last thank you, and that is to you – my readers and my followers.  I am truly blown away at just how many people are looking at Hope In Vastitude.  I can only hope that I am offering them some peace of mind.

Again, Thank you!